Will Hallmark Trailers Make Me Believe in Christmas Magic?

How many characters can Vanessa Hudgens play in one movie?

It’s that time of year. Or rather, officially, it will be after Thanksgiving. But apparently the annual deluge of Christmas movies started in October, so I’m actually late to the party.

I come to you in search of Christmas magic –the smell of baking cookies, hearts growing three sizes, maybe the owner of a local bakery about to be bought out by a mega corporation’s heartless lawyer who’s also a single dad. I’m not picky. So let’s get right into it.

Phase One - Chaos

Okay first obstacle these movies don’t seem to have real trailers. The Hallmark YouTube channel has a bunch of “sneak peeks,” most of which are just scenes from the movie. I’m not sure if these count. 

There was one that felt more like a trailer, about a widow and her son spending Christmas at a lighthouse, and also they’ve been scammed? The leading man seemed to be a handyman, which is a trope I’m kind of tired of. I can hammer things too, but that doesn’t qualify me to create Christmas magic. 

The other two had weird premises. One lady got hit by a bus and time traveled to 1947. It’s not clear if she time traveled because she was hit by a bus, or if she time traveled and then was subsequently hit by a bus. There may have been a magic hour glass. She was doing moderately well on 1947 trivia to convince people she didn’t have a concussion. 

The third one involved a woman who fell asleep and woke up in an alternate timeline where she’s a CEO but she and her boyfriend (who is not wearing anything but a towel in this scene, which feels a touch racy for Hallmark) broke up.

So far I do not feel much magic or even romance. 

Phase Two - An Actual Plan

I found an Entertainment Weekly list of 116 new Christmas movies for 2023. They don’t actually have to be from Hallmark. I’m getting a random number generator and I’ll pick 10. I’m putting a ban on ones from Great American Family, which apparently thinks Hallmark is too gay and too diverse, which a) what and b) have they seen the Hallmark channel?

Mystic Christmas

I cheated and just picked this one based on the title and then had to keep it because of the seals.

Title I assumed this would be about a lady who owns a crystal store and tells fortunes.

Trailer I was incorrect. She isn’t a mystic, that’s the name of the town. (Why? I don’t know.) Her career is… seals. There are seal puns. The guy she’s in love with (?) asks about the seals, and so we know he is Good and Kind because he cares about her job and about the seals.

Further research I’ve now actually read the description and this might be a sequel to Mystic Pizza? “She reconnects with Sawyer (Massey), the owner of the pizza shop.”

Further, further research No, this is not a sequel to Mystic pizza, despite involving both Mystic, Connecticut, and a pizza parlor. We can, however, use this as an opportunity to revisit the 30 Rock Mystic Pizza musical.

And the fact that it actually happened in real life!

Magic factor The mystic title is misleading, in that this seems to be magic-free, in the witchy sense. It does seem to be a second-chance-at-love story, but honestly my favorite part was the seals.

A Wesley Christmas Wedding

Title My guess is that this is a sequel, in the grand tradition of A Christmas Prince - The Royal Wedding or The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement.

Trailer Okay the vibe is very different here. We’re on BET+, not Hallmark, so we have divorce and family strife, neither of which is allowed on Hallmark. The couple is also already together, because this does seem to be a sequel. They’re trying to get married on Christmas, which seems like a logistical nightmare but okay. And then it turns out the guy is not technically divorced yet. We’re at a higher level of drama here, though no one has time traveled or been hit by a bus.

Further research This one is definitely a sequel. The first one only came out last year, which means as with the Christmas Prince and Princess Switch movies, they are cranking these out fast.

Magic factor There doesn’t seem to be anything supernatural here. I would probably feel more emotional magic if I’d seen the first one.

Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas

Title This is clunky. Some possibility this is a sequel, if there was some other Hallmark film called “Time for Her to Come Home,” which would at least be shorter. We could be in for a time travel element here, so look out for buses.

Trailer FROM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER BLAKE SHELTON! Isn’t this man busy being married to Gwen Stefani? I guess he left The Voice so now he needs something else to do. This is a choir based romance. It’s only been four weeks since I stated my feelings on choir. Hallmark should really give us full trailers. Who is the fa la la man? Why does this choir need a director brought in from out of town? Who is the random blonde lady?

Further research Apparently there’s a whole list of movies with approximately this title, including “Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas,” “Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas,” “Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas,” “Time for You to Come Home for Christmas,” and “Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas.” Blake Shelton did EP at least one of the others. So he may, along with the titles, be the connective tissue.

Magic factor I’m annoyed about the titles and by Blake Shelton.

Brief interlude in which the random number generator tries to assign a movie airing on Fox Nation, which I will now ban along with GAF. I did not know Fox Nation aired Christmas films.

Favorite Son Christmas

Title I cheated, a little, but I think this is either a sequel or a spinoff to a TV series.

Trailer This shares more plot with Blues Brothers than I originally expected. I think we’ve got our first explicitly Christian one, as it’s set around the first family of a church. The church’s childcare centers are in danger of closing, and the family is going to save them by getting the band back together for the Christmas jubilee. We’re back on BET+, which seems to come with a level of stakes you don’t get with Hallmark. There’s real conflict in this family in a way that makes me care a little more about the characters. Also, after Hallmark’s preponderance of widows/widowers/people visiting a new town for the holidays, it’s refreshing to watch a trailer about people with long-standing relationships to the other characters.

Further research Okay yes this is a sequel, and the previous one doesn’t seem to have been Christmas themed. From the trailer it looks like Common may have a small role in this movie, but google did not help me and my ability to identify Common is pretty much exclusively based on one T-Mobile commercial.

Magic factor I really liked Blues Brothers, so I’d give this one a shot.

A Royal Christmas Surprise

Title I’m so ready. As an avid Netflix Christmas fan, I understand the role royalty has to play in the Christmas cannon. The addition of “surprise” makes me think this could be a sequel to a movie just called “A Royal Christmas,” but we’ll see.

Trailer Honestly I still can’t tell if this is a sequel. The couple is already together and planning their engagement party at the beginning, so it might be. The surprise is that his parents are abdicating the throne, which means I guess our young lovers are going to have to go run a country. Am I a little disappointed we didn’t get a castle? Yes.

Further research Ah, I was so close. It is a sequel, but the original was “A Royal Surprise,” and the operative sequel word is Christmas. There is a review of the original which compares it to Black Panther, which leads to this lovely quote, “if your gf, like mine, hate the special effects from marvel and just want the love story.... Well then it's a sure hit for you (and your special friend).”

Magic factor Sometimes you get really lucky and get both magic and royalty in one movie, but just one is enough. I’d probably want to watch the original first, but this doesn’t look that bad. They accidentally throw an engagement party (or maybe wedding?) binder into an open fire, which is fun.

Ms. Christmas Comes To Town

Title I’m prepared from the Blake Shelton experience to worry that this is somehow related to a second film called Mr. Christmas Comes to Town.

Trailer Honestly who knows. EW says the lady is a shopping channel host, which was not on my bingo card. There’s a bit where she’s getting bad news from a doctor.

Further research Apparently the diagnosis is terminal and parts of the movie are set in an RV.

Magic factor I kind of doubt they let the main character die. There’s too much talk of miracles in the trailer for that to happen. But also I’m bored.

Flipping for the Holidays

Title Is real estate romantic?

Trailer Not another f*ing handyman. Also, twenty seconds is not a trailer. Where are the stakes? Where is the plot? A house and a guy with a paint roller is not a plot.

Further research At least it’s not a sequel

Magic factor Zero. This one makes me mad.

The Holiday Proposal Plan

Title I mean, this one seems pretty straight forward.

Trailer I set my expectations too high for a Lifetime Movie. This one has too much going on. There’s a magazine column, I think, and not one but two couples. And then they’re trying a bunch of potentially made up Christmas traditions meant to reveal who will get married next.

Further research The star of this is Ashley from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. On the one hand, we love to see it. On the other hand, can we get her some better scripts than this?

Magic factor You know what, I think the point of all this is overly complex Christmas love stories, so we’re getting close. Also, the traditions verge a little on magical? This one feels like it would be a genuinely ridiculous watch. And I want to like it.

A Holiday I Do

Title What is it with the Christmas weddings? I mean, those are two logistically intense things. Why combine them?

Trailer A gay horse girl Christmas romance! I’m not going to explain it better than that. There’s an ex husband, and someone else’s wedding. But that’s not important. Gay horse girl Christmas romance.

Further research I hadn’t actually heard of Tello Films before, but it’s apparently a dedicated space for LGBTQ stories. No word on how many of them include horse farms.

Magic factor We get an actual mention of “holiday magic” so I think this has to get full marks.

A Merry Scottish Christmas

Title I mean, again, seems self explanatory. Really looking forward to the accents.

Trailer Does their mom being a duchess count for royalty? She seems to be the only person in the trailer with a Scottish accent, which was disappointing. Also I can’t tell the brother and the love interest apart which makes it weird.

Further research I watched it again and the love interest has a beard while the brother doesn’t.

Magic factor Points for bagpipes and family secrets, but overall I am uninspired.

The Verdict

I can’t say I feel that Christmassy or magical, but that might be because it’s November and I’m too full of onion soup.

I’m a little disappointed to not have gotten to any Netflix trailers. In past years I think Netflix has really nailed a slightly tongue in cheek version of holiday ridiculousness. It’s the self-awareness that really makes the increasing number of Vanessa Hudgenses in the Princess Switch movies work.

Netflix does have one this year that stars Brandy, which makes me nostalgic for the old Cinderella. So maybe when I’m feeling a little more holiday magic in a few weeks, I’ll give that a try.

Or maybe I’ll look to friends and family for the real magic this year.

And if you think ending on a moral is trite you would probably hate these movies.

What Else?

Writing

I’ve mostly kept pace with NaNoWriMo, though this middle portion is harder than it was just starting out. I’m hoping that some time off over the holiday will help get the creative energy back.

Watching

I just finished King the Land, a Korean rom-com series on Netflix that’s riddled with HR violations and women being pulled out of traffic, but was still really delightful. The key thing, here and in Christmas romances, is a couple with good chemistry. Im Yoon-ah and Lee Jun-ho always look like they’re having so much fun on screen. Plus, it comes with a surprising amount of class commentary.