The Weirdest Most Expensive Clothes I Could Find
We're back!
We’re back! And by we I mean me. Sorry for the giant delay. More on that at the bottom. I wrote most of this months ago so edits are in italics.
Last week (February) I had the (mis)fortune to stumble across this Cut article about a pair of popular $900 pants. You can read the article for the full, horrifying details, but the $900 pants are dry-clean only, basically yoga pants, and come in a narrow size range that apparently only looks good on the size 0 New York influencers who’ve made them popular.
Anyway, I will not be buying the $900 yoga pants because I’m Presbyterian.
Also, if you’re going to spend $900 on a pair of pants – or any item of clothing – I think it should be weird and wild and wonderful. These pants just look like you got them at the mall.
Today’s newsletter is devoted to the weirdest, most expensive clothes I could find, and to exploring the definitely real use cases for these clothes that maybe shouldn’t exist.
Definitely Useful and Fashionable Clothes
Let’s start fairly calm. There are definitely times when a sparkly dress is appropriate. A high school homecoming, New Year’s Eve, a party where the theme is “backdrop from Party City.” But given that in this scenario I’m probably not in high school, since I have $16,000 to spend on a dress, I think I’ll go with someone else’s chill birthday dinner. I know she said we should donate to charity instead of bringing a gift, but I am the present.
I sorted the Bergdorf Goodman dress section by price from high to low, so we’ve gotten less expensive but more weird. At only $8600 (deal alert, it’s on sale for $2600), you get a vaguely medieval armor fertility vibe. And if you’ve been invited to a baby shower hosted at Medieval Times, I think you should absolutely wear this. However, my local Medieval Times is like an hour away, so I think I would use this in case for some reason I was seeing an inexperienced OBGYN who needed a little direction.
Honestly this is way more wearable. I’m always getting invited to girls’ nights where the theme is Winnie the Pooh - but subtle, and I honestly don’t have a lot in my closet that works for that. I think this could fill the hole. Also, remember that scene in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince where Professor Slughorn is trying to avoid the death eaters and disguises himself as an armchair? This is that, but fancy. (It’s sold out! Which means someone bought this!)
The clothes being sold for men make me mad in a slightly different way than the dresses. With the dresses, my primary feeling is “why does this exist.” For the men’s stuff, it’s more “why wouldn’t you just buy the cheaper version of this thing.” This is somehow both. A) Why would you make a leather shirt printed to look like flannel? B) And for the exact same look, why wouldn’t you just wear an actual flannel shirt? The use case here is that you’re often wearing leather to make your vegetarian enemy upset, but it’s gotten a little too obvious lately, and you need something that will take them the whole day to figure out it’s leather.
Sticking with the stuff being sold for men - I could make this. I wouldn’t even have to buy new jean shorts, since clearly the base layer here was purchased on the third day of a garage sale when most of the good stuff is gone and if you offer a dollar they’ll probably say yes. And I think honestly garage sale shopping would be a good place to wear these, but I could also see them at a county fair where you’re trying to make it seem like you are too good to be there. (Also sold out, which makes sense since it’s almost county fair season.) (There’s a joke in there somewhere where you take out one of the letters in county fair, but I’m not sure how I feel about the reappropriation (?) of that word online.) (I mean, far is like… really offensive to things that are close.)
Who pitched this? Someone who wants the look of lingerie before sex, but doesn’t have a lot of time to take it off? I mean, this would solve that problem. Just pull the whole thing over your head. But I think it would also be appropriate for a wedding where you were asked point blank to promise you wouldn’t wear white, but you did not promise not to draw attention to yourself. (Sold out, or pulled from the website because people getting married sent angry letters? You decide.)
I understand that this brand is pronounced loh-eh-veh, but it always just looks like Lowe’s to me, and honestly I think you could buy parts of this dress at Lowe’s. I’d worry that the shoulder chain strap has to constantly be hiked back up like a purse, but I still think this would be very fashionable if you were slogging through a pond, perhaps to prove a point to your current enemy/future lover, and didn’t want your clothes dragging through pond water. (Honestly, at this point I’m not surprised it’s sold out. Lowe’s has to get in there before football season and the Home Depot dominance that is ESPN.)
Rose boobs. (My intent in February was to expand on this, but you know what, rose boobs. Also, I regret that you can’t see the obscene prices on things that are sold out.)
Or, alternatively, rose shoulders. (I think maybe what’s happening here is that when the season switch they pull last season’s stuff from the website. And then these clothes go to a very weird outlet mall somewhere full of people looking for something at the last minute because their mom said the rose boobs dress was inappropriate.)
If you wore cling film and tights it might look vaguely like this. (My memory is that this looked worse on the model, where it was clear that the whole thing is totally see-through.)
As a kid you really enjoyed the church dress up bin, and you’re trying to heal that part of your inner child. And/or joining a very expensive cult.
Big bird, hypnotism boobs, final sale. (The use case here, I think, is that you’re a rising Hollywood star, but you haven’t yet landed your big role and need to show you have media power, so you wear this intentionally horrible dress to get in the “worst dressed” lists because at least then someone knew you were there.)
What Else
Waiting
Sorry about that. It’s been a lot longer than I meant/thought. However, in the time since my last newsletter I’ve gotten a new job (congressional committees reporter for CQ/Roll Call), moved into a new apartment (still in DC), directed a one act play, sewn a matching set and a dress, and gone on a two week trip to Italy and Portugal.
I’ve also had a lot of ~feelings~ about my writing and creative life and what part of my identity it all forms, a lot of it prompted by the capitalist vampire squid, but some of it probably prompted by the stress of a lot of change at once.
Anyway, I’m back. There will probably be missed weeks, but my goal is to write things I enjoy, and this feels like a good outlet for that. CQ is great but I don’t think they want to hear my reviews of the Bergdorf Goodman website.
Reading
It’s been a long time, but fortunately that meant time to read some good books.
I went on a whole kick about high society/social climbers, which included novels She Regrets Nothing and Everybody Rise, as well as the stunning nonfiction The Georgetown Ladies’ Social Club.
I also read Beth O’Leary’s The Flatshare, which accomplishes a remarkable feat in allowing two characters to believably fall in love who almost never meet. I think this is my second Beth O’Leary and she is working at such a high level. I also read and loved the new Emily Henry, Funny Story, which had me thinking about home and place and community, and also therefore crying because her depiction of all three is so perfect. And then on vacation I tore through Kevin Kwan’s new book, Lies and Weddings, in like three days of plane and train. Juicy and compelling as always.